If you’re feeling like your name is on speed dial with the kids while your partner gets a free pass, you’re not alone. Many mums find themselves in the “default parent” role, handling everything from lost socks to bedtime stories. But this doesn’t have to be the norm!
This week, we’ll explore why children so often turn to mum first, the societal and family patterns that reinforce it, and, most importantly, how you can start shifting those dynamics in a way that feels good for everyone in the family.
Ever wonder why you’re always the one being called for every little thing, while your partner somehow dodges the radar? In this post, we’re diving into the “default parent” dilemma that so many mums face. You’ll find insights into why it happens, the impact it has on you, and practical ways to start sharing the load without guilt or frustration. 🌿
Why Do Kids Always Come to Mum?
For many mums, the endless calls for “Muuum!” start to feel like a soundtrack to daily life. What to Expect sheds some light on this pattern, especially with toddlers. Kids often form a strong preference for one parent as part of their development, and more often than not, that parent is mum. You may be the go-to because you’re seen as the nurturer, the one who “fixes” things and offers comfort.
But there’s more at play. Research on family dynamics and emotional labour highlights how societal norms position mums as the default caregivers. Dr. Arlie Hochschild’s work on emotional labour shows that mothers often carry an invisible workload, handling both the practical and emotional needs of the family. This dynamic can easily turn into an expectation from both kids and partners that mum will always be “on call.”
The Mental Load of Being the Default Parent
The impact of always being the “default” is real, affecting everything from mental health to the sense of self. Studies by the American Psychological Association have shown that mothers in this role often experience higher levels of stress, fatigue, and even burnout. When mums take on the majority of the emotional labour, it can become hard to find any space or time for themselves.
How to Shift the Balance
The good news is, you can start to make changes that not only benefit you but also create a more balanced environment for the whole family.
- Talk with Your Partner
Open up a conversation about how you’re feeling. Share the mental and emotional toll of being the default parent. Approach it as a team effort – the goal is to support each other and create a family dynamic where both parents can share the load. - Set Up Routines Where Dad Takes the Lead
Create routines or activities where your partner is the primary parent, like bedtime or weekend breakfast. This way, your kids get used to seeing both of you in a supportive role. - Communicate with the Kids
Letting the children know that both parents are here to help can be empowering. Gently guide them towards including dad in their requests, making it clear that “Mum’s here to help, but so is Dad.” - Release the Guilt
It can feel challenging to step back, especially when we’ve internalised the idea that we need to be available all the time. But taking care of yourself is essential, and it sets a powerful example for your children on boundaries and self-care.
Remember, You Deserve a Break
Balancing the scales at home won’t happen overnight, but small changes can have a big impact. Not only will you start to feel less overwhelmed, but you’ll also be modelling healthy relationship dynamics for your children, teaching them that both parents are there to support, nurture, and be present.
You Deserve a Break, Mama! With love, Claire
P.S. If you’re ready for more insights, encouragement, and a community of mums who truly get it, come join me on Instagram! @mamasvillage.co. Can’t wait to connect with you there. 🌸